Final tallies on the week at the Masters, and a rental house that this morning looks like it was hit by a typhoon.

Zach Johnson was an upper-echelon golfer before this week, having already qualified for his first Ryder Cup last fall.

Still, he is not Tiger Woods. Heck, he’s not even Stuart Appleby.

This was shocking stuff, and given the nature of some of the questions in his post-tournament press conference, it was apparent some members of the media had never uttered the words “Zach Johnson” before about 6 p.m. tonight.

Among some of the nuggets we learned about your new Masters champion:

Unless he coughs up the lead over the next two holes. Then he’s fair game again.

But what a gutsy birdie on No. 16. And then Woods drops his approach on 15 into the drink.

Zach Johnson, Masters champion?

If you had that in your personal pool, go to the head of the line. Or better yet, take my job. You’re obviously smarter than me.

Great theater just now when Woods eagled 13 and Johnson heard the roars while contemplating his shot on 15. We’ve got ourselves a ballgame here, folks.

Meanwhile, Woods’ main obstacle right now may be playing alongside Stuart Appleby, who is not exactly John Daly in terms of pace of play.

My flight is at noon tomorrow, Stuart. Maybe you can let me know now if I need to change it.

I mentioned earlier that the Masters is the only major that doesn’t give out inside-the-ropes armbands, which means us members of the fourth estate are left to fight the masses like everyone else.

The result is that you risk missing a lot, and that’s why a number of writers spend most of Sunday watching the tournament on TV from the comfort of the press room.

My feeling, though, is that it’s Sunday at the Masters, so even if it means watching Tiger Woods tee off while standing on someone else’s toes, it’s probably worth it. And that was the case just now, when I tried to keep track of Tiger Woods’ adventures on the front nine alongside a few other writers and even Woods’ pregnant wife, Elin (To be clear, Elin wasn’t “with” us as much as she was in our vicinity. In other words, I’m pretty sure she’s not mentioning in her blog that she walked the front nine with me) .

I saw Woods birdie the second. I missed completely what he did on the fifth. After Woods bogeyed the sixth. I rushed to the eight hole and had to have someone else describe what happened on No. 7. Damon Hack had a TV radio that allowed him to hear the audio of the CBS telecast, so he kept on peppering us with updates. But even then, if Damon had told me that Retief Goosen did a stip tease at Amen Corner, I’d have to take his word for it.

Of course, I’m back inside the press room now in order to file this update. Plus, there’s about 17 people in contention right now, so it no longer makes sense to follow one guy.

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Meanwhile, maybe it’s time to dust off that Rory Sabbatini epic I’ve been working on. The South African has a one-shot lead over countryman Retief Goosen and Stuart Appleby through 13 holes, while Woods looks utterly adrift after his bogey on No. 10. The four-time Masters champ is 2-over par and three shots off the lead.

I always thought the fact that he has never come from behind in a major was just a statistical oddity. But maybe there’s something more to it than I thought…

Sunday is always the most anticipated day among the media at the Masters, and it has nothing to do with the final round. Instead, that’s the day when the lottery is held to decide which lucky (or this year, perhaps unlucky) members of the media get to play Augusta National on Monday.

Only about 20 journalists each year are chosen, and once you get picked, you’re ineligible for another seven years. This is my fifth Masters, and I still haven’t won, and this year, sad to say, I didn’t even enter. For one, I want to get back to see my wife and son before leaving again to cover the Rangers in the playoffs. For another, with only one round to speak of in the last six months, I’m not sure my game is ready.

And that’s the reason a lot of writers often greet the news of their selection with a mixture of excitement and dread. I actually saw the list just as it was being posted, so I was the one to give a few guys the news, including Joe Logan of the Philadelphia Inquirer and Jim McCabe of the Boston Globe.

McCabe’s first reaction: “What a year to play.”

I told another veteran writer that he got in and his shoulders literally slumped on the spot. “Oh no. Really?”

“You know,” I said, “there are 10 million golfers in America who would like to knock your teeth out for that reaction.”

“I know,” the writer said. “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

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Give the parking lot attendants here credit for ingenuity. A day after bundling up so tight they all looked they were on a polar expedition, the milder temperatures today have apparently emboldened a few. When George Willis and I pulled into our spot, a kid of about 18 asked who we thought was going to win today.

“Tiger Woods,” George replied.

“Funny you should mention that,” the kid said. “Tiger Woods actually hit this ball over here this morning.”

Then he pulled out an old scuffed up Top-Flite range ball.

“Five dollars,” he said.

I went on to say I’m pretty sure Tiger Woods wasn’t hitting Top-Flites even when he was in diapers.

“But nice try,” I said.

There’s a tennis court near our rental house, and the week began with grand expectations of early morning matches, perhaps culminating with the awarding of some silver platter.

Instead, what few tennis balls we had were left out in the rain, and it’s been bitter cold the last few days. But now that we’ve located a new can and the temperatures have risen to a manageable 45 degrees, my potential opponents are all….asleep.

This is unforgiveable, and so like a championship boxer angling for a fight, I’ve decided to call them out in the press.

You can run but you can’t hide, fellas. Wake up.

Oh yeah, in other sports news, Tiger Woods and Stuart Appleby are in the final pairing of the Masters.

This thanks to Stuart Appleby’s adventures on the 17th hole.

I’m actually surprised they held out as long as they did.

Meanwhile, I watched Tiger Woods play 18 from the viewing stand overlooking the green. This is one of the great perches in all of sports—except for today, when the wind whipped through so hard, I feared being carried off in a gust, never to be heard from again…

Given the temperatures here my fear was that the usual convivial atmosphere would be absent at Six Hill, that stretch of lawn between the tee and the green on the par 3 sixth that is transformed into a UGA fraternity mixer during the Masters.

But Six Hill didn’t disappoint as I watched Tiger Woods roll through a little while ago. There was still college-age men and women downing cups of beer while oblivious to the golf played around them. There was still the usual assortment of madras and colored pants, as if everyone in attendance arrived at Augusta directly from their local Ralph Lauren dealer.

Sadly, there weren’t as many sun dresses, another personal Six Hill favorite, but there was still the sense that almost everyone there knew each other from a recent chapter meeting of Georgia Young Republicans.

In fact, my personal favorite was a college-age guy with moppy hair and red pants wearing a sweatshirt with the words “REAGAN” stripped across the front.

I guess his “NIXON” shirt was in the laundry….

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Meanwhile, shows how much I know for poking fun at Stuart Appleby. The Australian is 2-under par and leading the Masters through six holes, with Tiger Woods now just three strokes back.

The Brett Wetterich green jacket will have to wait. He just made a 7 on No. 3 to drop to a tie for ninth..

Some of the guys who direct traffic in the parking lots are wearing ski masks.

Look, it’s 50 degrees. I’ve been moaning about the weather more than anyone. But this isn’t exactly December in Green Bay.

Meanwhile, a prediction: your Masters leader will be at even par or worse by the end of the day. That’s how tough the conditions are already.

Press conference: “Uh, Tiger, can you talk about that crucial putt for triple-bogey that gave you sole possession of the lead?”