So riddle me this one: I am in Augusta, Ga., to cover a golf tournament, and it is bitterly cold. I will come home Monday, and by the look of things now, I will return to Georgia on Thursday to cover the Rangers in the hockey playoffs. And by then, it’s supposed to be sunny and warm again, which won’t matter at all since I’ll be in a climate controlled hockey arena.

I think this is all bad karma for once playing golf on a Jewish holiday.

Meanwhile, a member of my house walked into my room at 5 a.m. and switched on the lights in search of his car keys. I was half- asleep. My friend was on his way to playing golf, and wrapped in about seven layers of wind shirts and turtlenecks. I’ve never seen a public execution, but that is where he looked like he was headed.

Several members of my house are playing golf tomorrow morning. These men are all respected journalists, men I’ve always respected, men I call friends.

These men also happen to be complete idiots.

Let the record show that at 6:30 tomorrow, when the wind chill will be around 25 degrees and my friends will shivering away on the first tee of some frozen tundra, I will be snug in my bed and hopefully fast asleep here at the rental house.

The official excuse given is I have a lot of work to do before the leaders tee off. The real reason is nothing sounds less appealing than forking over $50 and subjecting myself to frostbite all in the name of “fun.” Call me a fair-weather golfer if you must. You can even call me a wimp.

But I will be a warm, fair-weathered wimp, so I’ll get over it.

Baseball blogmeister extraordinaire Peter Abraham has alerted me to the possibility that The Rocket, Roger Clemens, is in attendance at Augusta National. I haven’t seen him, but I was just in a Tiger Woods interview scrum next to the former Grand Slam tennis phenom, Boris “Boom Boom” Becker.

Becker appeared to be here in some official capacity, and was dressed accordingly, but he also looked completely disinterested in whatever it was Woods was saying.

Earlier in the day, I also spotted the former Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Cris Carter following Woods as well.

Also, Brett Wetterich is here.

Brett Wetterich said he was dead asleep last night after taking a share of the lead in the Masters when his neighbor woke him up at 1:30 a.m.

“I’m the type of person that gets phone calls like that every now and then. My buddies forget that I’m playing at the Masters and I have to get up at 5:30,” Wetterich said.

It wouldn’t be a major championship if Stuart Appleby wasn’t right in the thick of it.

Actually, come to think of it, I think that’s the definition of a major championship.

The Australian is 3-under through seven holes to get to even par today. Among the others making a move: Zach Johnson alone in the lead at 3-under, Vijay Singh moving to 2-under, and former hockey player Jerry Kelly at 1-under.

Even Tiger Woods made a birdie on No. 15 to get to 4-over, so maybe he doesn’t have to find a new line of work after all….

In other news, I had lunch with The Lovely Amy Mickelson today in the clubhouse. And by “with,” I mean she was at the next table over.

I don’t want people to talk…

And here I was thinking Tiger Woods only morphed into Skip Kendall within close proximity to my house. But after starting today with four bogeys on his first 11 holes, Woods just dumped his approach in the water on No. 12, bringing another missed cut in a major into play.

The last time he did that was in the U.S. Open at Winged Foot, which I took as a direct affront to myself and my immediate family.

Woods did make the long putt for bogey just now, which could end up as crucial…

Bear in mind I say this at the risk of being escorted off the premises at a moment’s notice, but this Masters is struggling to generate its usual electricity.

I’m not sure how that can be when the Brett Wetterich Express continues to roll on at 4-under par, but I’m still holding out hope that this is merely a temporary snag. I’ve never known this tournament to not grab you with something compelling, and by the weekend, I’m sure that will be the case.

Even if the awarding of the green jacket will also have to come with a matching ski hat and gloves.

Meanwhile, I watched Tiger Woods scuffle through his first few holes, bogeying No. 1 and then settling for par on No. 2. Even he seems somewhat indifferent. Or maybe that’s just the early stages of hypothermia….

When I tell you it’s cold here, I don’t mean that in a woe-is-me, maybe-I’ll-throw-a-sweater-in-the-bag sort of way. I mean it in a I-can-see-my-breath-but-I’m-not-sure-I-can-feel-my-toes way instead.

This is not what I bargained for, and it’s certainly not what I packed for, either, meaning there may be an impulse buy of an overpriced Augusta National pull-over in my immediate future (By the way, let the record show that this is my fifth Masters, I’ve never bought anything for myself. I’ve bought plenty of items for others, however, including a career suicide moment last year when my executive editor, Henry Freeman, asked me to buy him an Augusta National shirt, and I came back with one two sizes too big. I meant that in the most flattering ways, of course).

Anyway, I know this is all heartbreaking stuff to everyone out there, so feel free to send cards and flowers en masse.

In other news, the internet crisis has been rectified, meaning the world will no longer be deprived of my keen insights as the day goes on. So far, not much to report. First-round co-leader Brett Wetterich as parred his first four holes on his way to infamy, while Tim Herron is the only player making any sort of move by getting to even par after a birdie on No. 2

Of course, it should be noted that Herron is known on tour as “Lumpy” because of the few extra pounds of flesh he carries around. On a day like today, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

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Meanwhile, gunshots were only narrowed avoided this morning near our rental home thanks to the adventures of Daily News columnist Filip Bondy. Out for a run in our subdivision, Filip returned home to realize he was locked out of the front door. He jiggled the handle but couldn’t get in, then snuck around the side to try the back door as well.

Then a woman appeared at the door, and asked Filip if she could help him.

It was our next-door neighbor. Filip had returned to the wrong house, and the woman thought Filip was a robber, albeit one panting in jogging clothes.

I’ll offer a little secret into the mysterious minds of the golfing press (other than the fact that we are useless without wireless internet), and it goes something like this:

On a day like today, in a tournament such as this, you try at any cost to avoid writing about Tiger Woods at any great length. The reason? Because there is a very good chance you’ll have no choice but to write about him the next three days as well.

And that’s the dilemma covering Tiger Woods: great golfer, noble humanitarian, mediocre quote.

We got just over three minutes with Woods after his round today, and no one’s going to confuse it with the Kennedy Inauguration Speech. Among the revelations: the greens were fast. The pins were accessible. Also…umm..the greens were fast.

I’m actually honored to be covering golf in this period because of Woods. And to be honest, from what little time I’ve been around him in an informal setting, he comes across as quite likeable. But there are some inherent challenges in chronicling the Woods Era as well. And one is that he’s not going to always fill up your notebook.

Or at least not with what he says….

This would actually mean something if I knew what a typical Brett Wettherich round looked like. I think I’ve seen him hit about four shots before this week, and now he’s your Masters co-leader at 69.

Meanwhile, Tiger Woods moved to even par after his first birdie of the day on 13. I believe that makes him the leader among players wearing a pink shirt….